The Birds...

If you've ever seen that Alfred Hitchcock movie, "The Birds", then you will have a greater appreciation of what I am about to say. For those of you who missed this classic...the movie is based on this creepy plot that birds are banding together and sending the human race into extinction (or something). Admittedly, the plot, reduced down to a nutshell like this, sounds pretty lame, but, being the simple girl I am, I cannot do it justice. I'll probably never be paid to write movie reviews or be a copywriter. However, the far-fetched ridiculousness of the plot and the effect the movie has on you shows what a talented producer Alfred Hitchcock was (to say nothing of the fact that he had to work with all those birds, to get them to band together somehow for that scene in the car). For the next few days after watching the movie you will find yourself giving wide berth to birds, in hopes of maintaining your co-existence with these potential threats to your safety. It's the same effect that those who have watched Psycho experience every time they get in the shower. But there IS hope...after a few years where you've neither been attacked in the shower or been assaulted by an evil band of birds...you move on. After all, it's ridiculous.

However, yesterday all the assurances that birds are not operating under a conspiracy to destory me hit the fan. Those years of telling myself the birds are not going to kill me have been lived precariously on false assurances that 1) birds are not interested in me and 2) birds are afraid of me. FALSE. Evil birds DO exist in this world and I can prove it. And, what's more, they exist very close to me.

Yesterday began like any other typical Saturday. Up in the morning (earlier than I would like), donning my tennis shoes, mace, glucose tablets and cell phone and out the door for a run. The run seemed uneventful. Other than the cars passing me, about the only sign of life I really saw was the Canada goose who seemed to be staring me down as I approached the house with the pond. I thought to myself at the time that it was a little strange that the foolish thing didn't seem more afraid of me, and instead just stood its ground. I now know that this was a mild foreshadowing of the events of the day, and that I SHOULD have been put on my guard.

My Saturday continued in its typical fashion. Back home to clean the bathroom and take a shower (I have no fears of the shower, because I've purposely never watched Psycho).

Gel in hair, makeup on face and out the door again, this time to help out with my sisters and a friend at the Topeka City of Character Fair at the Zoo. After a fun time talking to kids, handing out prizes, almost getting hit a couple of times with a mallet at the booth where I was working, leading ponies, and cleaning the mud out of my shoes after giving pony rides (that last part wasn't actually that fun), we decided to go through the World Famous Topeka Zoo just for good times. Fateful decision #1. Little did I know that this would be a journey through the Zoo that would change my life forever...

Again, it started out so innocently. Just moving through the Zoo, taking in the exhibits and snapping pictures in typical visitor fashion. I remember coming out of the odiferous building housing the hippo and taking a short break before we went across to the Rain Forest. We entered the Rain Forest and began to take pics of the lovely, exotic plants and animals there. We were about halfway through and reached the steps where you can get a loftier view of the flora and fauna. We decided to climb up. Fateful decision #2 (had I but known it).

I followed the others up the steps. I was usually the one bringing up the rear, either because I am the old, decrepit one or because I take so many pictures that it slows me down a bit - I prefer to think it's the latter. As I mounted the top step, I saw what had captured the others' attention - a beautiful parrot. It was perched on a branch and posing perfectly for a great picture. The vibrant colors of its lovely plumes were beautifully displayed against the green backdrop of the tropical leaves. I was standing at a little distance for the picture and was just ready to snap it when the bird suddenly left its perch and flew directly towards my head at an amazing velocity. Have you ever watched a large bird flying low at the level of your eye through a 3" LCD screen? It is not an experience I suggest. Just before it hit my face, it let out a little caw and swooped upwards, probably grazing the hair on the top of my head that was now standing upright in dazed fear for my life. I laughed shakily at the near encounter and looked up to find the evil parrot returned to its perch, still eyeing me suspiciously. Apparently the suspicion was mutual, for there were feelings of suspicion now aroused in my OWN heart. After all, who wouldn't have suspicions of evil intent when someone hurtles themselves at an innocent, unsuspecting and certainly undeserving bystander. My suspicions were justified. Tempted to wring the neck of this feathered foe, I decided on the more prudent and certainly more practical route of removing myself from the vicinity.

We moved on through the following exhibits. Black bears, bald eagles (who, thankfully, can only be viewed from OUTSIDE their enclosed space). The Arctic fox was one of the last of our stops. Fateful decision #3. We stopped to admire the cute, white fox as it slept curled up on a tree trunk; we leaned on the fence, standing beneath a tree. Somewhere in that tree above us was another bird, who only deigned to make its presence known by pooping on three of us.

True story.

The moral of this true story is that looks can be deceiving. Birds may look cute, innocent, small and/or beautiful, but they are evil. BEWARE OF THE BIRDS...