I’ve sort of been through the emotional wringer within the last few months. Suffice it to say that my life has been one bewildering roller coaster ride of intoxicating joys, heart-sickening drops, unexpected twists and turns and jaw-dropping, glorious moments of sheer happiness. Most of the time, I don’t even know what’s happening or see what’s coming next. And just when I think I’m catching a glimpse of the plan…a jerk of the car reminds me that I’m at the mercy of the Mastermind Creator of this ride.
Right now, I’m confused. The brain that is being rocked and jerked from side to side is dizzily trying to figure out what’s happening to me. “Attempt failed. Recomputing…”
It is difficult to put into words what I am experiencing. I thought I had learned just about all a person could learn about waiting on God and trusting Him, putting one’s hopes and dreams on the altar. I watched small hopes awaken in my cautious heart, watched a slow growth process as these hopes rose higher, like the slow, ticking climb of a roller coaster on the rise. And just as these hopes reached the highest point ever in my heart, I felt the sickening rush of a swift decline caused by unexpected disappointment. Down, down, down with my heart in my mouth, my knuckles turning white, my eyes wide in shock and disbelief. I learned to trust God even in the midst of heart-sickening, deep disappointment. I learned to trust God even when it seemed that my cautious heart had been betrayed and hope had made a mockery of me. I learned to trust God even when I couldn’t understand what He was doing. I learned to quit trying to figure everything out and trust God even if I never found out the answers to things I wanted desperately to know, perhaps even had a right to know.
Then…just as I thought I was getting to a place where I could sort of relax, my heart had resettled into my chest cavity, my head wasn’t reeling anymore, and my fingers had sort of relaxed their hold on things…another jerk of the car, and the hope that had died so suddenly rebounded and was sending my heart racing to the top of the next rise. It wasn’t a slow climb this time; it was a quick upshot to a higher point even than before. Hope again. Dare I let it remain? Or was this rise going to plunge sharply down again and turn me upside down, inside and out, shaking me up and making me as heartsick as the first descent a couple of months ago?
Perhaps I need a reality check. But then, on the other hand, my God is the kind of God who delights in the unusual and the unexpected; the kind of God who can take hopes deferred and make them live again; the kind of God who can take yielded dreams and give them back as dreams come true; the kind of God who can take what was bound with cords to the altar and release it to live again.
So, yet again, I find myself wanting to figure out what’s coming next; to know exactly what to anticipate. Yet, I find myself again waiting on God, the Mastermind of this incredible ride called my life, to reveal the next part. I have no idea what’s coming next. I'm anxiously awaiting it. But, while I am undoubtedly a confused and bewildered girl at the moment, and while this ride has certainly had its very rough and even sickening moments, I have total confidence in my God that in the end I’ll turn to Him with sparkling eyes, my heart racing, a huge smile on my face and breathlessly say, “That was amazing! Let’s do it again!”
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